I need some help creating a letter to send to my relatives to raise money for the JDRF walk. Can you all give me some input?
Dear
October 3, 1988.
That date was my Grandpa and Grandma Root’s wedding anniversary. It is also the date I was diagnosed with type one diabetes. That was 18 years ago. Today, my pancreas still does not produce insulin. Until a cure is found, I will wear my insulin pump 24 hours a day. To make sure I’m getting the right amount of insulin, I have to check my blood sugar six to ten times a day. Insulin keeps me alive, plain and simple. Insulin is not a cure for diabetes. The Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation is dedicated to finding a cure for me and the 3 million other people with type one diabetes. That’s why I will be walking on September 16 at Holland State Park for the tenth year. A cure is out there, and JDRF will find it!
Will you consider helping them make my dream of a cure come true?
Thank you for your continued support!
To donate online, or by credit card, please visit:
www.tiny.cc/jgrasman
It needs some help, and I know it, but what does it need?
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The rantings of a type one college student.
2 comments:
I think it is great! You put your own personal stuff in there as well as something they can remember too.
I say send away! IMO
Good Luck.
Hi. I think you've got a great draft. You can do more to make it stronger. I really like how you say, "I will use my insulin pump"; try changing the next sentence to, "Until a cure, I WILL check my blood sugar six to ten times a day to make sure I'm getting the right amount of insuling." This change will make the sentence structure the same for both sentences, and will make them more powerful. I also think you can do a lot with the idea of "When there is a will, there is a way," ie "Insulin is not a cure...but when there is a will there is a way."
You may have gotten more than you bargained for with this comment, but I'm an English teacher -- it's what I do. :-)
Best wishes!
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