Thursday, February 15, 2007

When did I become an angry person?

First off, thanks to everyone who left ideas for me. I really appreciate them.
I apologize in advance for the following post. It is being written in the heat of a moment, after a long day with very little sleep.

I'm sitting here, trying to study for an exam, thinking over all the times today, and over the last few days that I've been really angry. I am not an angry person normally, but lately, I have become one.
I went to my endo Tuesday. I was expected a rise in my A1c because I am currently in the semester from Hell (I don't swear. Practically never, and this semester is totally worthy of that description.) I had no basal tests. No insulin to carb ratio tests. No 2am tests. Nothing. I was angry at myself, but I knew I just did not have the time or energy to skip meals. It just wasn't happening. My A1c? 7.1. That's down. That's a really good number. But you know what? I was mad. I was actually MAD that it went down, and I did nothing. At all. It just decided to go down. I should not be angry about this, but I am.
My presentation to my Pharmacology study group was tonight. I was nervous. I had to balance the information and the time. As I'm going through the require information, I kept giving things that were not highlighted in the professors notes, but will be really important in the practical setting. My presentation partner kept saying, "but we don't need to know this! This isn't going to be on the exam!" I had to really hold my tongue. I kept a level head, but it was hard. After giving the required information, I had a sheet with some bullet points that I titled "what every type one diabetic wants you to know." I talked about some of the misconceptions, and included most of your suggestions. I thought it went fairly well considering how nervous I was. Later, after the group meeting, I saw one of my group members, and she mentions to my friend that I went "on a rampage" during our meeting. I was dumbfounded. I did not raise my voice. I simply told them what I thought they should know. I put it in the context that I have had many of these things said to me, and I would like to make sure that they, as health care providers, did not make the same mistakes that would loose the respect and trust of their patients. I did not think I ranted or rampaged. Now, I'm afraid that the whole group thinks I'm a raging lunatic. Don't they get this is my entire life? This is what I eat, think and breathe all the time, every day? This is my life people! Of course I'm passionate about it!!!!!! I live and will die by this disease! I am so angry that she actually said that to me.
As I was thinking about how I needed to write this all out, I opened up blogger to post this. It would not let me sign on until I upgraded to the new blogger. Again, I felt anger rising within me. What if I don't want to upgrade? I' m just learning the old blogger! I don't want to learn a new one! I just want to write a freaking post!
I am an angry person. This is what all the stress has done to me. It makes me angry that I haven't been below 200 all day long, and that I have to change my site. It makes me angry that my suitemate asks the most ridiculous questions over and over again. It makes me angry that people are so stupid. It all makes me so angry, and I don't want to take it any more! UUGGHH!!!


Megan said...

Man, what a crappy day you had. (((hugs)))

I wish you could come to my school. I really love my school and the people that go there are always asking me about diabetes.

cassandra said...

get it all out. blog venting is great.

hope your weekend gets better.

Chrissie in Belgium said...

Jen, You should be furious! Dam it all, future nurses should be INTERESTED in knowing what Ds have to say. If they are not interested and in no way understand our situation WHO will? I am furious too. BUT NOT SURPRISED! People.... I had a sililar moment with my Mom - she made some really stupid comment about exercise and I just thought if SHE, my Mom, doesn't know by now how my life is, will she ever understand. A Mom ought to get it!

Carol said...

Jen, good for you for actually wanting to LEARN things that will help you to help others. So many simply play the college games to get the grades and never stop to think if they are actually learning what they will need. That's what I did, and I got the grades alright, but did not pursue my passions. Good for you! As for the A1C, I totally understand why that would tick you off, especially in your sleep deprived state. Each time diabetes is unpredictable it's frustrating, and that can be much of the time! Hope you get some rest this weekend.

bethany said...

awww i'm sorry you're having such a bad day. i think that you did the right thing with giving them all of the information you did.

hope you're day gets a little bit better <3

Scott K. Johnson said...

Ug. Very frustrating.

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Jenna said...

You're not an angry person. You've just had a sequence of events that would have made you upset at any point.